Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
