is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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