True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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