I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
