You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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