I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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