everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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