Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
