it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
