While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
