Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
