Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
