sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
