Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
