These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
