ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
