I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
