Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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