I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
