I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
