How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
