I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
