I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
