I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
