i think my tv is drunk
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
