There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
