My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
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It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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