awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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