So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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