I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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