Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
