the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
