what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
