just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
