So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
