One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
