this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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