Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
