i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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