So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Randomize
