I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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