I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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