Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
