I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
