20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
