if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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