you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
