you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
