3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
