just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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