Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
