He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
