I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
