Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
