Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
