Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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