so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
