Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
