I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
