everyone is single if you try hard enough
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
